What you need to hear
It was meant to be like four. I've been chatting with a handful of guys, as you do. Some of them are on the edge for me between interesting prospects and not. There is a pilot who lives in the suburbs: interesting job, but some possible indicators of incompatibility. A guy who recently moved from Europe: we'd have a lot to talk about, but I can't tell if our miscommunications so far have been due to the language barrier. A man who fishes but no pictures of dead fish on his profile: I can't tell if I'd be attracted to him in person. I tried to schedule meetings with each of them at times that worked for me, but felt relieved when they weren't available or ended up canceling. But I've been surprised so many times in the past, it's difficult to say no when there's possibility.
The guy I ended up seeing, B, looked wholesome, and I was excited to meet him. He has a photo with his mom, he's wearing a button-up shirt. He had a good answer to my ambitious opening question, "What are some of your goals in life? What drives you?" He wants a family, and isn't afraid to work for his ambitions. "What drives me is a desire to be as happy as the people that set examples [for me how] to live my life: ... my family and their friends."
Before the date Sunday evening I spent a few hours chatting with my friend Crystal about dating experiences. There are typical behaviors that every woman encounters online, and we compared notes. Some of her stories are better than any I could tell, and I consider myself something of a professional. She knew someone with a dating blog before. "One of the unwritten rules is never to date someone with a dating blog," she informed me. I'll file that one away for further consideration.
I remarked to her that I'm generally good at first dates. The trick is to engage with something they are interested in, ask questions, and generally be interested in their interests. I suggested that some of this enthusiasm is false. "Isn't that as bad as the guy who raises your expectations unrealistically?" She rightfully asked. And I have to take that one, because... yes. Sometimes you need a friend to look you straight in the face and question your behavior.
I walked into the tea shop 3 minutes early and pretended to study the menu. "Do you need help?" an employee asked me. "No, I'm just trying to look cute for when a guy walks in," I told him. "Wink when you see him," he offered, "I'll laugh like you just said something funny."
I hope this guy never finds my blog because he was honestly a decent human being, but as soon as he walked in he was boring. I had three cups of coffee before the date and we drank black tea together. By the time the date ended after 1.5 hours, I was so exhausted from feigning interest that I was ready for bed at 9 PM.
He and I are identical, again. But not in the same way as with E. His dad is in the housing industry, same as mine. He came upon rough times around 2008 with the market crash. Similarly to me, B moved back home to help. Similarly to me, he likes working with his hands. Similarly to me, he has a degree in Economics. Similarly to me, he has an interest in rocks. Unfortunately for him, his presentation nearly put me to sleep. All of his stories were factual, and impossible to dig into. He laid sentences out, frankly, leaving no opportunities for questions or follow-up. I think my own stories left room for commentary, and yet those reactions never came.
I ask myself why I continued to feign interest when I didn't experience any from the start. "I have a two-date rule," I explained to my mom a few weeks ago. First dates are necessarily awkward; sometimes you can't be yourself, despite your best efforts. "You always have to give them a second chance." I hope this is what I was trying to offer the guy. A safe situation in which his stories seemed valued, and maybe with some encouragement they would improve. Shutting down wouldn't have improved the situation. More honest feedback may have helped, but I've never been deft with constructive criticism.
So how to proceed? He texted me less than an hour later and wants to see me again. I own him a response, and an honest one. The two-date rule won't stand here, the lack of chemistry was obvious enough with one.
No word from N - the yoga hottie - again this weekend. I got a text as I was driving to my hotel: "What's up, Janice?" Cross your fingers for me that I get to meet him soon, and send me strength and good judgment saying no to the aforementioned poor matches. And keep telling me the things. It helps.
Dating soundtrack this week is Pretty Girl from Chile, by the Avett Brothers:
I'm no more than a friend, girl
I can see that you need more
...
And the love and the attention
That you need and ask me for
Are weakened by my actions
And lies that I have told
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