The deep end
I deleted my online dating profile after the failed love of my life. I was feeling burned and burned out.
At a party shortly after, I accidentally cornered a friend. I asked him if everyone is as lonely as I am. I meant for the question to sound like a joke, but he saw through it.
I have been negotiating the contradiction between my low-level desperation and my innate self-assurance. My search is for a partner, and I know this will take time. But I've felt saturated by a desire for that unique romantic affection, and grasping around me for something - anything.
I manipulated my schedule to accommodate a long-distance booty call which didn't pan out. I made an out-of-the-blue brunch date with a guy I had already decided wasn't for me. (The date confirmed this.)
Then I ended up at a party.
--
Crystal invited me to a warehouse party. Am I twenty-one years old? No, I’m a grown-ass woman.
But I’m also low-key desperate and a warehouse party seems like as good a place as any to pick up guys. Crystal found a pair of moonshoes somewhere and we dance-bounced in front of the DJ. In a quick habitual scan, I estimated that there was one cute guy present.
After requisite dancing we went to find water, and I spotted the guy at the now-defunct bar (the booze had run out before we arrived) balancing empty bottles and cups on top of one another. I positioned myself on the other side of the bar and offered a shot-sized Solo cup to complement the one he had just placed on top of an Absolut bottle. He smiled.
I had my number written on the torn-off top of a bar receipt. I had put this in my wallet the previous week after seeing a hottie at a club, but he disappeared before I could give it to him. I pulled this out now, reached across the bar and stuffed it in the guy's pocket before running back to my friends.
He invited me on a date the following day. I really don't know how to pin this guy down. We had a lot of common interests, but it didn't seem like I was one of them. His body language was distracted, but he ordered a second drink. I did most of the talking, but he kissed me at the end of the date.
Our second date was brunch, and he invited me to his place after. I had decided my limits before the date, and going to his house wasn't really my plan, but I went there anyway. One thing led to another. I went to the edge before pulling back, but made an excuse to leave.
He didn't text me again.
--
Another Friday and I was out dancing again. This time I spotted a guy in a cardigan standing with a group of friends. I asked him to dance and learned that he was in town from San Francisco, a tourist. He was a very fun dancer, but that was the most satisfying part of our encounter. At the end of the night he asked for my phone number as an afterthought, as if he almost forgot and was trying to be polite. He never texted me. I mean, of course not, but fuck.
--
The following week I started using Tinder on a business trip. I matched with a firefighter and an alt boy with tattoos whose profile said "I will ruin your life."
There was also a man with travel pictures who described himself as a "secret geek". I invited him to come swim in the hotel pool with me. Honestly he was very nice, and sweet enough to go to vegan dinner with me. But what the heck, Janice? This guy isn’t a possibility – are you going to commute for your relationship? What are you doing?
--
My friend messaged me today.
Advice that I needed. And need. And receiving it made the loneliness feel just a little lighter.
My dad has always said life would be really boring if everything went well all the time. So I’m taking my lumps for now. No matter how dark my surface-level thoughts become, I am always - almost always - able to draw upon my conviction that the right person is awaiting me. I had a second date with a Real Possibility this week. I'll tell you about it soon.
Dating soundtrack this week is Bounce Back by Big Sean:
Last night took a L, but tonight I bounce back
At a party shortly after, I accidentally cornered a friend. I asked him if everyone is as lonely as I am. I meant for the question to sound like a joke, but he saw through it.
I have been negotiating the contradiction between my low-level desperation and my innate self-assurance. My search is for a partner, and I know this will take time. But I've felt saturated by a desire for that unique romantic affection, and grasping around me for something - anything.
I manipulated my schedule to accommodate a long-distance booty call which didn't pan out. I made an out-of-the-blue brunch date with a guy I had already decided wasn't for me. (The date confirmed this.)
Then I ended up at a party.
--
Crystal invited me to a warehouse party. Am I twenty-one years old? No, I’m a grown-ass woman.
But I’m also low-key desperate and a warehouse party seems like as good a place as any to pick up guys. Crystal found a pair of moonshoes somewhere and we dance-bounced in front of the DJ. In a quick habitual scan, I estimated that there was one cute guy present.
After requisite dancing we went to find water, and I spotted the guy at the now-defunct bar (the booze had run out before we arrived) balancing empty bottles and cups on top of one another. I positioned myself on the other side of the bar and offered a shot-sized Solo cup to complement the one he had just placed on top of an Absolut bottle. He smiled.
I had my number written on the torn-off top of a bar receipt. I had put this in my wallet the previous week after seeing a hottie at a club, but he disappeared before I could give it to him. I pulled this out now, reached across the bar and stuffed it in the guy's pocket before running back to my friends.
He invited me on a date the following day. I really don't know how to pin this guy down. We had a lot of common interests, but it didn't seem like I was one of them. His body language was distracted, but he ordered a second drink. I did most of the talking, but he kissed me at the end of the date.
Our second date was brunch, and he invited me to his place after. I had decided my limits before the date, and going to his house wasn't really my plan, but I went there anyway. One thing led to another. I went to the edge before pulling back, but made an excuse to leave.
He didn't text me again.
--
Another Friday and I was out dancing again. This time I spotted a guy in a cardigan standing with a group of friends. I asked him to dance and learned that he was in town from San Francisco, a tourist. He was a very fun dancer, but that was the most satisfying part of our encounter. At the end of the night he asked for my phone number as an afterthought, as if he almost forgot and was trying to be polite. He never texted me. I mean, of course not, but fuck.
--
The following week I started using Tinder on a business trip. I matched with a firefighter and an alt boy with tattoos whose profile said "I will ruin your life."
There was also a man with travel pictures who described himself as a "secret geek". I invited him to come swim in the hotel pool with me. Honestly he was very nice, and sweet enough to go to vegan dinner with me. But what the heck, Janice? This guy isn’t a possibility – are you going to commute for your relationship? What are you doing?
--
My friend messaged me today.
Advice that I needed. And need. And receiving it made the loneliness feel just a little lighter.
My dad has always said life would be really boring if everything went well all the time. So I’m taking my lumps for now. No matter how dark my surface-level thoughts become, I am always - almost always - able to draw upon my conviction that the right person is awaiting me. I had a second date with a Real Possibility this week. I'll tell you about it soon.
Dating soundtrack this week is Bounce Back by Big Sean:
Last night took a L, but tonight I bounce back
Love your work!
ReplyDeleteThanks, friend!
Delete