Unrequited

"Do you believe in unrequited love?" is a screening question on OkCupid. No, I answer confidently.

But I have one.

He is smart, but not intimidating. He talks to me about politics, is a feminist. He recommends books I devour.

He walks me through the city, explaining history. He pauses for me to take pictures.

We met at a time when I was getting serious with someone else. Different timing, and it might have gone very differently. We never dated, truly, but I would marry him if he asked me.

We don't live in the same city anymore. I've only seen him once since we did. "I'm really excited," I confessed to a friend. "I haven't seen him in years, but I used to be so in love with him." It all came flooding back when I saw him.

His face is serious, his eyes are intent. He smiles when I say something he hasn't thought of before. His whole body lights up. It's intoxicating.

"She's really great," he tells me about his girlfriend. He mentions downsides in a confidential tone. "I can understand that," I tell him. I resist the urge to add "That wouldn't be an issue if you were with me."

"Make a move," a friend goads me.
"I couldn't do that," I try to explain. He loves her and he has too much integrity. It's what I like about him.

I try not to keep tabs on them, and I try not to compare possible matches with him. But in a way he's helpful. I have at least one model of a real person who excites me, he is not fictional.

But in a way, he is fictional. He isn't available, so he may as well not be real. Stay focused, Janice. I don't believe in unrequited love.