Cara de perdida
At a bar with friends we were approached by a group of tipsy men. They were good-natured, and I guess we were in the right mood. Tony called me to a corner of the patio.
“I have no idea where this conversation is going.”
“Me neither! You’re the one who called me over here,” I smiled.
“I didn’t call you over here, I asked you please come sit with me. If nothing happens between us tonight, I’m gonna tell you this -”
“If?” I laughed out loud
“Yeah uh,” he stuttered, “can we put an if in it?”
“I’ll let you have it.”
“No, I’m gonna let you have it.”
“Okay,” I smiled
“Is there an if?”
“I already have four boyfriends, it’s a lot of work.”
“You have four boyfriends?”
“Not really, that’s big talk. I have one that I want, and one that wants me, and another one on the side.”
“So you like one, you don’t like one and you’re kind of cool with the third.”
“No, the second guy is solid. He works in human resources, he would probably be a very solid husband. He’s from North Carolina, he opens doors for me. He wants me to text him when I get home. I haven’t had to answer to anyone since I was like 17 so, no, I’m not going to text you when I get home. “
“That’s called controlling,” he offered.
“No, he’d probably be a fine husband. He’d probably let me stay at home once I started having babies.”
“You said ‘let you stay home’? You’re one of those?” He was confused.
“I don’t want to, I’m just saying that’s the way my life would probably be if I went with this guy.”
“Are you kidding me? That’s some weak ass shit.”
“That’s where my life is right now. I’m chasing a cool guy, and a corporate guy is chasing me.” I started to explain.
“You’re okay with that?”
“I’m not saying that I like it, but it’s my reality for this moment.”
“A person who looks like you could probably have any guy you want. And what you're saying to me… it’s kind of a poor response, really. You don’t have to live with any dude.”
“I take issue with that. I’m aiming high.”
“Aim higher,” he interrupted.
“I know this guy is a stretch, right? But I’m going for it.”
“What if that shit doesn’t work out?”
“Then I’ve got my corporate boyfriend.” I joked.
“You’re gonna what?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m like a professional dater, it’s what I do.”
“You’re really thinking like, ‘I want to be a home mom’?”
“I feel like you’re trying to give me advice-”
“I’m not trying to give you advice.”
“Well, you’re trying to call me out on something that doesn’t really need to be called out.”
“I wasn’t trying to call you out, I was asking you why. Why? Why do you want to follow a person when you’re totally capable of leading yourself?”
“I feel like you’re just reacting to me without really understanding what’s underneath.”
“Teach me something.”
“Okay.”
“What do you want for your future?” He paused. “I didn’t know I was out here for a deep conversation, but now I really want to know about you. You’ve changed my mind. Now I want to know what’s going on with you.”
“What do I actually want for my life?”
“Mhm.”
“Um, I think I just want somebody… I want somebody who’s ready to be an equal partner with me. I’m a pretty solid lady. I work really hard, I’ve got a great job. I own my own house.”
“I like the way you responded to me, like, kinda almost checked me, but not quite.”
“Oh! You think I didn’t check you?” I couldn’t help but laugh.
“No, not quite,” he said with a grin. “But I do really like the way you responded to me. You’re 28. I’m 47. If I can give you anything from all these years I’ve been in this world… I think you’re on the right page, but I will tell you this: don’t. follow. any motherfucker. Ever in your life. Don’t follow anybody.” He considered this. “I think you’re gonna be just fine. Because how you challenged me? You’re golden.”
“Thank you, Tony,” I said, sincerely.
“I think you know what you want.”
“I do know. The question is, am I going to be able to get it, right? Am I capable? Am I pretty enough, am I smart enough, do I work hard enough? Um, and... is the universe going to bring those opportunities around to me? I’m not doubtful. Like, I think I’m putting myself in a pretty good position, but you never know what the universe is going to bring. You really don’t.”
“And you’re 28?”
“Yep.”
“I think that one day when you meet your husband and all that, you’ll remember this. One time I was talking to Tony C. and he was like she is dope.”
I laughed.
“And I knew you were going to be fine.”
“Thanks Tony.”
“And that’s all I’m saying.”
Dating soundtrack:
Beach Bummer by No Vacation
Why oh why do I
Put up with this misery
Still looking for a reason
But for now it is a mystery to me
“I have no idea where this conversation is going.”
“Me neither! You’re the one who called me over here,” I smiled.
“I didn’t call you over here, I asked you please come sit with me. If nothing happens between us tonight, I’m gonna tell you this -”
“If?” I laughed out loud
“Yeah uh,” he stuttered, “can we put an if in it?”
“I’ll let you have it.”
“No, I’m gonna let you have it.”
“Okay,” I smiled
“Is there an if?”
“I already have four boyfriends, it’s a lot of work.”
“You have four boyfriends?”
“Not really, that’s big talk. I have one that I want, and one that wants me, and another one on the side.”
“So you like one, you don’t like one and you’re kind of cool with the third.”
“No, the second guy is solid. He works in human resources, he would probably be a very solid husband. He’s from North Carolina, he opens doors for me. He wants me to text him when I get home. I haven’t had to answer to anyone since I was like 17 so, no, I’m not going to text you when I get home. “
“That’s called controlling,” he offered.
“No, he’d probably be a fine husband. He’d probably let me stay at home once I started having babies.”
“You said ‘let you stay home’? You’re one of those?” He was confused.
“I don’t want to, I’m just saying that’s the way my life would probably be if I went with this guy.”
“Are you kidding me? That’s some weak ass shit.”
“That’s where my life is right now. I’m chasing a cool guy, and a corporate guy is chasing me.” I started to explain.
“You’re okay with that?”
“I’m not saying that I like it, but it’s my reality for this moment.”
“A person who looks like you could probably have any guy you want. And what you're saying to me… it’s kind of a poor response, really. You don’t have to live with any dude.”
“I take issue with that. I’m aiming high.”
“Aim higher,” he interrupted.
“I know this guy is a stretch, right? But I’m going for it.”
“What if that shit doesn’t work out?”
“Then I’ve got my corporate boyfriend.” I joked.
“You’re gonna what?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m like a professional dater, it’s what I do.”
“You’re really thinking like, ‘I want to be a home mom’?”
“I feel like you’re trying to give me advice-”
“I’m not trying to give you advice.”
“Well, you’re trying to call me out on something that doesn’t really need to be called out.”
“I wasn’t trying to call you out, I was asking you why. Why? Why do you want to follow a person when you’re totally capable of leading yourself?”
“I feel like you’re just reacting to me without really understanding what’s underneath.”
“Teach me something.”
“Okay.”
“What do you want for your future?” He paused. “I didn’t know I was out here for a deep conversation, but now I really want to know about you. You’ve changed my mind. Now I want to know what’s going on with you.”
“What do I actually want for my life?”
“Mhm.”
“Um, I think I just want somebody… I want somebody who’s ready to be an equal partner with me. I’m a pretty solid lady. I work really hard, I’ve got a great job. I own my own house.”
“I like the way you responded to me, like, kinda almost checked me, but not quite.”
“Oh! You think I didn’t check you?” I couldn’t help but laugh.
“No, not quite,” he said with a grin. “But I do really like the way you responded to me. You’re 28. I’m 47. If I can give you anything from all these years I’ve been in this world… I think you’re on the right page, but I will tell you this: don’t. follow. any motherfucker. Ever in your life. Don’t follow anybody.” He considered this. “I think you’re gonna be just fine. Because how you challenged me? You’re golden.”
“Thank you, Tony,” I said, sincerely.
“I think you know what you want.”
“I do know. The question is, am I going to be able to get it, right? Am I capable? Am I pretty enough, am I smart enough, do I work hard enough? Um, and... is the universe going to bring those opportunities around to me? I’m not doubtful. Like, I think I’m putting myself in a pretty good position, but you never know what the universe is going to bring. You really don’t.”
“And you’re 28?”
“Yep.”
“I think that one day when you meet your husband and all that, you’ll remember this. One time I was talking to Tony C. and he was like she is dope.”
I laughed.
“And I knew you were going to be fine.”
“Thanks Tony.”
“And that’s all I’m saying.”
Dating soundtrack:
Beach Bummer by No Vacation
Why oh why do I
Put up with this misery
Still looking for a reason
But for now it is a mystery to me
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