Inches

On my last birthday, I gave a bit of a self-indulgent speech. “My 27th year was the best of my life,” I told the gathered friends, “thanks to you.” I meant every word of it, although to outsiders it probably would have appeared muy cursi. Too cheesy.

28 was not so easy. I struggled bitterly through the challenges that were thrown at me, following my favorite comedic philosophies: “head down, power through”, and “put it in your mind vice and crush it.” 28 was a moment to be dealt with, one in which I attempted to find balance, but mostly tried to keep pushing forward.

It wasn’t all bad. 28 also saw the twofold expansion of people who I would invite to an intimate gathering. I got a promotion. I’m living in my house finally. Finally.

My goal for 29 is to be stronger. Stronger, how? In every way. Just stronger.
--

I want to be uncompromising in my vision. I want to see the clear path and follow it.

No, I see the clear path. I want to be strong enough to follow it. To not deviate when the direction doesn't seem quite right, when I'm not sure if it's still leading me forward.

And yet, I want to rest. I want to settle into the simple domesticity of a man who understands my rhythm. A passed me power tools while I cut out my kitchen window. He cooked me dinner. He interacts well with my dad. We fit together easily. Why doesn't it feel like enough?
--

Two of my closest friends gave me a book called I Wrote This For You. It's a book of poetry written for the poet's partner. “Are you trying to break me?” I asked as their faces fell.
“I thought you would like it…” one offered.
“I love it,” I smiled. “It's great, really.”

It was written over ten years, across their journey to find each other. That is so many years to be writing, pining.

It's all temporary. Both the having and the waiting. I will keep singing to my favorite songs, dancing in my car.
--

This is from the book:

"The Million Ways to Fail"

Here’s how you fail: You fail with your
heart on your sleeve.

You fail like you mean it with every part
of you.

You fail attempting the impossible and
the ridiculous.

You fail in front of others and you fail
and they laugh at you and you fail and
you feel nothing and regret less.

You fail sincerely and earnestly and you
risk everything at every opportunity.

This is how you fail: You fail beautifully

You fail with grace.
--

For my 29th birthday, I was privileged to behold an entire house filled with people that I love. Different souls were present in every room, gathered to share time with me. I can't quite explain the pure pleasure that this brings to me.
--

A has been making rounds. He’s been at parties, met my friends. “I really like him,” said everyone, every time. “I know,” is my only response. I knew everyone would like him.

I don’t want to write about A anymore. I’m uncomfortable with the nature of my indecision.
--

When I find that I'm afraid of something in life, afraid to move forward, I imagine myself on a dock or the deck of a boat or a high rock.

One. Two. Jump.



Dating Soundtrack:
Back For Me by Electric Guest

And I know we’ve got a thousand ways to go
And there’s not much more I know I can control