Caleb

Caleb moved from Pennsylvania to Washington state in the summer of 2018. His family had lived in the boonies of Washington for a while when he was a toddler, but for most of his life he was raised in the suburbs of the northeast. After graduating, he threw his possessions in an old Mercury Sable, said goodbye to his mom, and pointed the car toward the Pacific. He told me he didn’t have a plan, he just left. He slept in his car, meandering West. He saw snow on his birthday in Aspen, and crossed the Columbia river by late June. He was practicing a life strategy called the Yes Theory. New in town, he joined a running group to make friends. Someone from the group invited him to run on their Ragnar team, he said yes. Someone told him about a company in downtown that was hiring, he got the job. Someone sent him a link to a Craigslist post for an open room, and he e-mailed me. — After my last roommate left, I lived alone for the first time ever in my life. I didn’t really want to get a new roommate, but – you know – bills. Really I was looking for someone who wouldn’t get in my way; I was trying to get the same feeling as living alone but with the financial benefits of a tenant. I interviewed a good bunch of people. At first I thought it would be hard to choose. Which apparent quirks, as revealed in a 15-minute house walkthrough, would I be willing to live with? Caleb came over after work midweek. Literally the first thing I thought when I saw him was, “He looks like a guy I could date.” The chemistry was immediate. You know that feeling when you have the same conversation style? It’s not really just conversation style, it’s like we had the same energy, we were vibrating on the same frequency. I mean, the interview was fairly standard, but I felt at ease with him immediately. He moved in the following week. — Living with Caleb was great from the start. As much as I had been looking for someone who was “out of my way”, Caleb had the perfect level of presence. After long days at work or failed dates in Portland, we sat on the kitchen counters drinking beer and catching up. I feel like a guarded person sometimes. I don’t mean to be – I try my hardest to live openly, but there is a layer on the inside that I protect. Maybe we’re all that way. The thing is, with Caleb all that stuff just came out. He’s caring in a way that feels genuine. He’s wise when he’s wise, and isn’t afraid to say so when he’s out of his depth. I think at that moment in my life, I really craved to be seen, to be heard. He listened to me. He’d corner me in the bathroom when I was brushing my teeth – his room is right across the hall. He’d tell me about work drama and ask for advice. He told me stories from his life. Real, deep, intimate stories. He’s someone who is very easy to love. He’s charismatic, fun, funny. — I started to bring him places with me. Game nights, kickball. And when he wasn’t there, I was talking about him all the time. In retrospect, I can recognize this is unusual. “So I got a new roommate…” I’d tell someone. This isn’t normally earth-shattering news. But the feeling of being with him was a feeling of home and comfort. And I wanted to carry that feeling with me everywhere. “Don’t you like him?” my girlfriends asked me. “No way,” I told them. “He’s just my roommate.” — In November, my family descended upon Vancouver – and largely upon my house – for my brother’s wedding. I think I tried to disclose the nature of my home during our first meeting, but Caleb teases that I didn’t. Nearly a dozen people have keys to the house, and it’s centrally located – it’s often a family meeting place. My sister stayed with us for two weeks, and my mom was with all of us there for at least a long weekend. Family friends were in and out, and Caleb was in the middle of all of it with us. One of those evenings I excused myself to take the dog for a walk. “I’ll go with you,” he said. We walked quietly. I was focused on the dog, we took the normal route. As we were nearing home, he turned to me and said, “I really like hanging out with you.” I replied, “I really like hanging out with you too.” — Maybe the trajectory of this story is obvious at this point, but I’m just gonna go ahead and tell you all the details. I drove my sister to the airport the week before Thanksgiving. I felt some urgency as we was leaving. “I have to tell you something.” “What is it?” she asked. “I think I have a crush on Caleb.” She squealed. “Yessss. I LOVE him.” — “What are you going to do tonight?” Caleb texted me after I dropped her off. “I don’t know. Cry, I guess.” I told him. “Let’s go to a movie,” he said. He leaned on my arm as we left the theater. It was cold out and we had walked. “I really like spending time with you,” he told me again on our walk back home. What did I say? I don’t remember. I blew him off. It was probably something like, “Yeah, you’re a really cool roommate.” Two nights later we were up on the counters again, with a beer. “I do really like hanging out with you,” I told him. “I’m sorry I’m so guarded sometimes.” He just smiled. He texted his friends that night, “I think she likes me too.” — That was the weekend of Thanksgiving, so we both had four days off work. Aside from dinner with our respective families, we spent all of Thursday and Friday on the sofa, binging Netflix. We sat respectfully next to each other, knees barely touching. Saturday we sat on the sofa after brushing our teeth. No Netflix, but we were chatting. It must have been at least 9:30. “Okay, at 10 I’m going to bed,” I told him. Ten came and went, the next time I looked at a clock it was after 11. I set an alarm on my phone for midnight. When the alarm went off, I silenced it and we kept talking until at least 1. The next day we went to the craft store and bought paper, pens, ink. We spent a long Sunday evening doodling at the table and painting together. He draws with incredible confidence, I can’t quite describe how sexy it is. He made me some doodles and I painted them with watercolors. Monday we spent the evening making t-shirts. We worked out design together and then worked in parallel, each painting the other’s shirt. This is when I knew it wasn’t just a crush. I fell hard for him. That evening we decided to watch just one more episode of something on Netflix before bed. When whatever it was ended, we just sat in silence. The tension was palpable. “Janice, DO NOT sleep with your roommate,” I told myself. But I couldn’t get up. “Just go to bed,” I thought. But he was right there. Inches from me. I rolled onto my side to get my face further from his. He turned, too, and held me from behind. “Get up,” I thought. “Do it.” But what I said was, “Do you want to go to bed with me?” I felt his face as he nodded into my back. — Dating soundtrack this week: Bedroom, by Litany If you wanna come to my place then we can talk about the weather If you wanna come to my house then You can meet my parents If you wanna come to my bedroom If you wanna come to my bedroom