Marathon
July 28, 2017
Every now and again I’ll think it’s a good idea to go on what I call “marathon dates”. This isn't one extra-long date, but rather 3+ dates back-to-back in succession. Maybe it would be a stronger metaphor if I were to compare it to some multi-event athletic endeavor, but I’ve never been sporty. The only arena in which I can successfully compete is dating.
So a few weekends ago, I got it into my head to knock out a few of the men in my to-do list from OkCupid. I’ve started to notice that I’m intensely goal-oriented, sometimes perhaps beyond a reasonable level. Just like my e-mail, I strive for a zero-inbox approach to my love life.
I have addressed this habit in the most recent iteration of my dating profile. Borrowing an idea I heard on a dating podcast, my About Me section is in the format of a pros and cons list.
Pros:
Stable and reliable, you can count on my commitments
Confident about who I am and where I’m going
I will always be direct with you about my intentions
Cons:
I'm needy when I’m tired and will ask for reassurance or support
I’m not sure what I want in the short term re: work, city of residence, etc.
I don’t know how to do my hair, after the third date you won’t see me with makeup
+/-:
Goal oriented, sometimes to an extreme
Very organized, but sometimes obsessive
Applying these self-described traits, I scheduled three dates for myself at 10:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 2:00 PM. All at tea houses around the city. Yes, I forgot to schedule food. Yes, I forgot that I get weird when I have too much caffeine.
--
Guy #1 was really great. He is an architect; new to Portland, not from California – he’s from the Midwest which is unironically sexy to me. We have one major life experience in common: during college, he lived in Latin America and had a full-blown life and relationship in his adopted country. He speaks fluent Spanish. We compared experiences living abroad, bouncing from food to vocabulary and that ineffable shift in perspective that you gain when you start to live life in an entirely different culture. It didn’t hurt that he’s cute and smart and likes houses. I’d say he’s tailor-made for me, except he’s 1-2 notches more polished than me.
With regret, I had to beg off at 11:50, lying that I had lunch with a friend. “Where?” he asked me. “Um, I don’t know!” I lied, “She lives in NW, so probably somewhere near her place.”
I relayed this story to a friend later and he gave me a piece of advice. “I know someone who does that,” he told me. “The trick is to cancel with the next person if you are clicking with someone.” Of course.
--
So I rushed off to #2. As soon as I saw him I had a physical sensation akin a balloon deflating. I could tell it wasn’t going to work. He was a nice guy. Cute enough. Decent conversation. Again, I found commonalities. He works in industry, which I always like; I don’t meet many other people who wear steel-toed boots to work. But something wasn’t there. I hate this - what was it? It’s a spark, you know what I’m talking about. But, I’m a logic-and-reason person. I don’t believe in fairies and crystals and energies. But whether I believe in mysterious sparks or not, the fact is it wasn’t there. Um, he had bad teeth. So that honestly could have been it.
We lingered on Mississippi after walking outside. He continued to make small talk as I shifted from foot to foot. I tried not to check the time on my phone. Finally – finally – he excused himself to go play chess.
--
#3 is a character we have addressed here. I believe it was episode 1? I thought about giving him the nickname “yoga prick”, but that was probably just in my head and never actually published. This is the guy I spent a long time texting who kept putting off plans for like a week and a half before he stopped texting.
That was it. Needless to say, I was excited to finally meet him. Sometimes you build someone up so much in the lead-up…
And you can see where this is going. He was standing in the tea line when I walked in and my deflated balloon self just wilted. The energy I immediately picked up from him was frenetic, intense. We ordered our tea and sat outside. The conversation was nice; he’s an active listener and kept asking insightful questions. The topics were deep, and the conversation style was intense. He made serious eye-contact. He smiled and had a lightness about him, but I didn’t find it relaxing.
I thought a lot about giving him a second date, but the first was honestly too exhausting.
--
Three dates down and one promising contender.
My schedule is insane, and my poor boyfriends have to put up with it. Marathon date was Sunday, and I scheduled my second date with the architect for Friday of the same week. But let’s throw some additional ingredients into the mix.
That Monday I started a new (work from home!) job. My mom came to town that Wednesday to help me with my house for a few days. THAT SAME DAY my Tinder guy from Arizona texted to ask if he could fly in for a visit. Thursday I drove 3.5 hours each way for work; I got back to Portland just in time to pick up AZ guy from the airport. Friday I had two birthday parties to attend. I guess I’m a little impulsive. But if a sexy man with an accent texts you with his finger on the “buy” button for airline tickets, how can you say no?
Arizona guy entertained himself in the city while I worked Friday, and I promised him we’d meet around 7 for the first of the birthday parties. And so, anxious that I was trying to pull off too much, I met this amazing bilingual architect for dinner.
--
One of my terrible patterns in dating is that I seek men who intimidate me and then I’m intimidated by them. I have done this time and time again. Most commonly, I’ll choose someone who is excessively intellectual who will talk at me over dinner while I stare at their beautiful face. I don’t know what it is about smart boys, I love them. On every first date I’m witty and sharp, propelled by adrenaline, and I draw them in. On each subsequent date I increasingly lose my luster as I realize I’m punching above my weight. I lose my voice, believing they are superior to me.
On date 2 with the architect, I fell into my predictable habit. I held myself back from responding to my fullest capacity, terrified of saying the wrong thing. The irony is, anyone on a date is hoping to learn about their interlocutor. I have nothing to gain from silence, and yet it’s the strategy I fall back upon. He’s an engaging conversationalist and dinner went well. He wanted to grab a drink after, and I watched his face fall as I told him I again had a mysterious engagement and would have to cut our date short.
I didn’t hear from him for at least a week afterward. When I finally sent a mea culpa he had already moved on.
And this is what I get for trying to juggle 3-4 men at the same time. I get no men.
--
Actually, things went well with the Arizona guy. I’ve generally found that people who travel, live and work abroad are a special kind of chill. He’s no exception – he was happy to see me when I was free and entertain himself when I was not. Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime. But as we have previously concluded, I need to focus on people who are real possibilities. Maybe one at a time next time.
Dating soundtrack this week is Laid by James
Ah, you think you're so pretty...
Every now and again I’ll think it’s a good idea to go on what I call “marathon dates”. This isn't one extra-long date, but rather 3+ dates back-to-back in succession. Maybe it would be a stronger metaphor if I were to compare it to some multi-event athletic endeavor, but I’ve never been sporty. The only arena in which I can successfully compete is dating.
So a few weekends ago, I got it into my head to knock out a few of the men in my to-do list from OkCupid. I’ve started to notice that I’m intensely goal-oriented, sometimes perhaps beyond a reasonable level. Just like my e-mail, I strive for a zero-inbox approach to my love life.
I have addressed this habit in the most recent iteration of my dating profile. Borrowing an idea I heard on a dating podcast, my About Me section is in the format of a pros and cons list.
Pros:
Stable and reliable, you can count on my commitments
Confident about who I am and where I’m going
I will always be direct with you about my intentions
Cons:
I'm needy when I’m tired and will ask for reassurance or support
I’m not sure what I want in the short term re: work, city of residence, etc.
I don’t know how to do my hair, after the third date you won’t see me with makeup
+/-:
Goal oriented, sometimes to an extreme
Very organized, but sometimes obsessive
Applying these self-described traits, I scheduled three dates for myself at 10:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 2:00 PM. All at tea houses around the city. Yes, I forgot to schedule food. Yes, I forgot that I get weird when I have too much caffeine.
--
Guy #1 was really great. He is an architect; new to Portland, not from California – he’s from the Midwest which is unironically sexy to me. We have one major life experience in common: during college, he lived in Latin America and had a full-blown life and relationship in his adopted country. He speaks fluent Spanish. We compared experiences living abroad, bouncing from food to vocabulary and that ineffable shift in perspective that you gain when you start to live life in an entirely different culture. It didn’t hurt that he’s cute and smart and likes houses. I’d say he’s tailor-made for me, except he’s 1-2 notches more polished than me.
With regret, I had to beg off at 11:50, lying that I had lunch with a friend. “Where?” he asked me. “Um, I don’t know!” I lied, “She lives in NW, so probably somewhere near her place.”
I relayed this story to a friend later and he gave me a piece of advice. “I know someone who does that,” he told me. “The trick is to cancel with the next person if you are clicking with someone.” Of course.
--
So I rushed off to #2. As soon as I saw him I had a physical sensation akin a balloon deflating. I could tell it wasn’t going to work. He was a nice guy. Cute enough. Decent conversation. Again, I found commonalities. He works in industry, which I always like; I don’t meet many other people who wear steel-toed boots to work. But something wasn’t there. I hate this - what was it? It’s a spark, you know what I’m talking about. But, I’m a logic-and-reason person. I don’t believe in fairies and crystals and energies. But whether I believe in mysterious sparks or not, the fact is it wasn’t there. Um, he had bad teeth. So that honestly could have been it.
We lingered on Mississippi after walking outside. He continued to make small talk as I shifted from foot to foot. I tried not to check the time on my phone. Finally – finally – he excused himself to go play chess.
--
#3 is a character we have addressed here. I believe it was episode 1? I thought about giving him the nickname “yoga prick”, but that was probably just in my head and never actually published. This is the guy I spent a long time texting who kept putting off plans for like a week and a half before he stopped texting.
That was it. Needless to say, I was excited to finally meet him. Sometimes you build someone up so much in the lead-up…
And you can see where this is going. He was standing in the tea line when I walked in and my deflated balloon self just wilted. The energy I immediately picked up from him was frenetic, intense. We ordered our tea and sat outside. The conversation was nice; he’s an active listener and kept asking insightful questions. The topics were deep, and the conversation style was intense. He made serious eye-contact. He smiled and had a lightness about him, but I didn’t find it relaxing.
I thought a lot about giving him a second date, but the first was honestly too exhausting.
--
Three dates down and one promising contender.
My schedule is insane, and my poor boyfriends have to put up with it. Marathon date was Sunday, and I scheduled my second date with the architect for Friday of the same week. But let’s throw some additional ingredients into the mix.
That Monday I started a new (work from home!) job. My mom came to town that Wednesday to help me with my house for a few days. THAT SAME DAY my Tinder guy from Arizona texted to ask if he could fly in for a visit. Thursday I drove 3.5 hours each way for work; I got back to Portland just in time to pick up AZ guy from the airport. Friday I had two birthday parties to attend. I guess I’m a little impulsive. But if a sexy man with an accent texts you with his finger on the “buy” button for airline tickets, how can you say no?
Arizona guy entertained himself in the city while I worked Friday, and I promised him we’d meet around 7 for the first of the birthday parties. And so, anxious that I was trying to pull off too much, I met this amazing bilingual architect for dinner.
--
One of my terrible patterns in dating is that I seek men who intimidate me and then I’m intimidated by them. I have done this time and time again. Most commonly, I’ll choose someone who is excessively intellectual who will talk at me over dinner while I stare at their beautiful face. I don’t know what it is about smart boys, I love them. On every first date I’m witty and sharp, propelled by adrenaline, and I draw them in. On each subsequent date I increasingly lose my luster as I realize I’m punching above my weight. I lose my voice, believing they are superior to me.
On date 2 with the architect, I fell into my predictable habit. I held myself back from responding to my fullest capacity, terrified of saying the wrong thing. The irony is, anyone on a date is hoping to learn about their interlocutor. I have nothing to gain from silence, and yet it’s the strategy I fall back upon. He’s an engaging conversationalist and dinner went well. He wanted to grab a drink after, and I watched his face fall as I told him I again had a mysterious engagement and would have to cut our date short.
I didn’t hear from him for at least a week afterward. When I finally sent a mea culpa he had already moved on.
And this is what I get for trying to juggle 3-4 men at the same time. I get no men.
--
Actually, things went well with the Arizona guy. I’ve generally found that people who travel, live and work abroad are a special kind of chill. He’s no exception – he was happy to see me when I was free and entertain himself when I was not. Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime. But as we have previously concluded, I need to focus on people who are real possibilities. Maybe one at a time next time.
Dating soundtrack this week is Laid by James
Ah, you think you're so pretty...
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