Oh baby
Disclaimer: Sometimes I really struggle with how transparent to actually be on this platform. It’s all fun when the dates feel like games. But there's a shift when you start to fall for someone. How do I let the world in on these personal moments? So this post is me exploring that boundary, or perhaps trampling right through it. We'll see with time how it ages. Here’s a bit of vulnerability for you.
I’m always hopeful that the next guy will be the right guy. And someday I’ll meet him and go “Janice this is the guy!”
-My sister
--
For my second date with the League guy, N, we met for Thai food on Mississippi.
“How was your week?” we started with the normal small talk. When the server came to take our orders we hadn’t picked up the menus yet. But a quick glance was sufficient for each of us to decide. He agreed to share a vegetarian appetizer.
“What are you thinking to drink?” I asked him.
“Tamarind sour.”
“No!” I protested. That was my choice.
“You can get the same thing,” he smiled.
We discussed Thanksgiving plans, he gave me background about his family dynamics. I told him about Christmas in Denmark, talked about my family’s DIY energy. “When my sister and I sit down together, we can come up with ideas for hours.”
He suggested he doesn’t have creative blood. “For anything?” I asked him. Everyone has something.
“I’m an optimizer,” he said. And then, almost as an afterthought, “I always thought I would pair well with someone who has creative visions.”
--
The restaurant was busy for a Sunday. Rather than lingering over our drinks, he invited me to his place. We left my car, he drove.
“Can I make you a Manhattan?” he offered this time.
“Yes please. Can you teach me how?”
“Of course,” he said. And then he reconsidered. “You can make it.”
I must have inhaled sharply. “Okay.” I exhaled. “One of my deepest anxieties is looking like a fool,” I told him.
“It’s easy,” he smiled, pulling out the ingredients.
I watched his face as I measured, he watched my hands.
“You’re doing great.”
We sat on the couch and he turned on SNL from the night before. After a few sketches, we abandoned the drinks on the coffee table.
--
Now go ahead and imagine in your head what you will, until…
“Oh my god, it broke,” he blurted.
“What?”
“The condom, it broke. I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay-” I started.
“I’m so sorry!” he repeated.
“It’s alright.” I tried to think.
“Are you on birth control?”
“Usually.” How do I explain this? I’m really busy? You still need a prescription for birth control in this country. I haven’t had a chance to see my GP.
“Oh.”
“It’s okay, I’ll get some Plan B.”
I rolled off the bed toward the bathroom.
“I’m sorry,” he said to my back.
“It’ll be okay.”
--
I laid back down after the initial shock and he pulled me towards him.
I watched his face as I measured, he watched my hands.
“You’re doing great.”
We sat on the couch and he turned on SNL from the night before. After a few sketches, we abandoned the drinks on the coffee table.
--
Now go ahead and imagine in your head what you will, until…
“Oh my god, it broke,” he blurted.
“What?”
“The condom, it broke. I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay-” I started.
“I’m so sorry!” he repeated.
“It’s alright.” I tried to think.
“Are you on birth control?”
“Usually.” How do I explain this? I’m really busy? You still need a prescription for birth control in this country. I haven’t had a chance to see my GP.
“Oh.”
“It’s okay, I’ll get some Plan B.”
I rolled off the bed toward the bathroom.
“I’m sorry,” he said to my back.
“It’ll be okay.”
--
I laid back down after the initial shock and he pulled me towards him.
“Isn’t this the premise of Aziz’s show? The pilot?” I asked him, knowing full well the answer.
“Yeah it is,” he said. And then after a while, “But in the show he didn’t finish. I think they did some frantic googling.”
“Hmm.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No it’s okay, I can get it on my way home.”
We laid in silence for a while.
“This is more like Catastrophe.” he offered.
“Yes, it’s definitely more like that.”
“I guess we have to get married now,” he quipped.
“I love how horrible they are to each other. But it’s still clear they really love each other.”
“Have you seen You’re the Worst?”
“Yes, I just started watching it. So great.”
“They are doing really interesting things with that show.” And we launched into a full analysis until I was drifting closer to sleep.
--
“I’m sorry I’m keeping you up with all my talking,” he said.
“No, I like it. You’re not tired?”
“Wide awake.” He paused.
“Do you want kids someday?” I think I was the one to ask.
“I think so…” he started. He had mentioned something before that made me think the real answer was yes. Maybe the possibility of an accidental pregnancy brought the idea into a different light. “How about you?”
“Yes,” I answered unequivocally. “I mean, yeah. That’s always been the plan. It’s hard to imagine not being selfish at this point. But that’s the vision.”
“That’s exactly it.” Another pause. “I’ve been enjoying this lifestyle for so long. But yes. Yes, I want them someday.”
--
I wasn’t able to quite express to my sister how he makes me feel. He’s very beautiful and has his shit together (as promised); this is normally so scary, but we have chemistry. He’s approachable.
“You are attracted to people who are more polished than you were growing up, I feel like that’s the kind of person that you want to end up with,” she analyzed. “It’s not a coincidence that you keep falling for them. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your head - if they like you, they like you so fuck that noise. It’s your fear of them that makes the relationship go south. So just embrace it.“
“The universe is not going to give you any more or any less than what you have sown,” another friend counseled me. “Having these high expectations means you have a high self-esteem; you are expecting a qualified man because you have made yourself a qualified woman. Don’t lower your standards.”
--
“What are we going to name our kid?” N asked me in the car the next morning.
“What?” I jumped, thinking he had caught me planning our life together. It took me a second to remember. “Oh. Augustine.”
“That was fast.”
“Yeah, I stayed up all night thinking about it.”
Dating soundtrack this week:
Baby, The Phenomenal Handclap Band
Baby, I could rule the world
With a girl like you
On my arm
“Yeah it is,” he said. And then after a while, “But in the show he didn’t finish. I think they did some frantic googling.”
“Hmm.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No it’s okay, I can get it on my way home.”
We laid in silence for a while.
“This is more like Catastrophe.” he offered.
“Yes, it’s definitely more like that.”
“I guess we have to get married now,” he quipped.
“I love how horrible they are to each other. But it’s still clear they really love each other.”
“Have you seen You’re the Worst?”
“Yes, I just started watching it. So great.”
“They are doing really interesting things with that show.” And we launched into a full analysis until I was drifting closer to sleep.
--
“I’m sorry I’m keeping you up with all my talking,” he said.
“No, I like it. You’re not tired?”
“Wide awake.” He paused.
“Do you want kids someday?” I think I was the one to ask.
“I think so…” he started. He had mentioned something before that made me think the real answer was yes. Maybe the possibility of an accidental pregnancy brought the idea into a different light. “How about you?”
“Yes,” I answered unequivocally. “I mean, yeah. That’s always been the plan. It’s hard to imagine not being selfish at this point. But that’s the vision.”
“That’s exactly it.” Another pause. “I’ve been enjoying this lifestyle for so long. But yes. Yes, I want them someday.”
--
I wasn’t able to quite express to my sister how he makes me feel. He’s very beautiful and has his shit together (as promised); this is normally so scary, but we have chemistry. He’s approachable.
“You are attracted to people who are more polished than you were growing up, I feel like that’s the kind of person that you want to end up with,” she analyzed. “It’s not a coincidence that you keep falling for them. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your head - if they like you, they like you so fuck that noise. It’s your fear of them that makes the relationship go south. So just embrace it.“
“The universe is not going to give you any more or any less than what you have sown,” another friend counseled me. “Having these high expectations means you have a high self-esteem; you are expecting a qualified man because you have made yourself a qualified woman. Don’t lower your standards.”
--
“What are we going to name our kid?” N asked me in the car the next morning.
“What?” I jumped, thinking he had caught me planning our life together. It took me a second to remember. “Oh. Augustine.”
“That was fast.”
“Yeah, I stayed up all night thinking about it.”
Dating soundtrack this week:
Baby, The Phenomenal Handclap Band
Baby, I could rule the world
With a girl like you
On my arm
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